5.1 Stop – in the name of love

Levi (on his blog “blueandblackheart.com”):

Today mum and dad told med I’m the official heir. Well, it’s not like Liv is portionless. Our parents have always strived to treat us equally. The whole point is just that only one of the children can own the house, to avoid possible hereditary disputes that may result in a sale to free up money. It has to do with a family promise to  grand grand grand mother Christine who moved to Riverview to build a life. One child gets to own the house and is not allowed to sell it. Siblings are allowed to stay as long as they want, and get money for compensation.

Obviously there is another less explicit demand, other than just manage the house. I’m suppose to have children that can continue the bloodline. That part is actually a little tricky.

1. I’m gay.
Okay. So? You can still have children, can’t you?
2. Well, that’s right, it might be a little more complicated, but it’s possible. Yes. If it wasn’t because I’m single and single gay men aren’t considered the best dad candidates there are.
Single? What? What happened to Hans?
Hans went to college in Sweden. That was what happened. After my 18th birthday (and the party he never attended) he started being distant.

We could sit down chatting, and then in the middle of the conversation, I realised he wasn’t listening.
I could be playing his favourite song on the guitar, and he would be looking like he was pondering on something.

I miss him so much. He’s so beautiful, intelligent, and we shared a lot. He has the body of a greek god – he’s an athlete just like me.
And he broke up at the gym. First we worked out together just like any other day.


But I couldn’t concentrate. I knew something was wrong, I had to ask him. On the way to the locker room, I finally found the courage to ask him.
“Hans, wait. We need to talk.”

He stopped. Looked at me.
“What? About what?”

For a moment I hesitated. He looked so innocent and completely surprised. Maybe I was mistaken? Maybe he’d just been temporarily down? Maybe it was nothing that had something to do with us?

But in that case I should ask to find out what was wrong anyway. I took a deep breath.
“Hans, is there something wrong?”

Long pause. Silence. Hans looked down. At that moment he didn’t need to say more. I already knew.

“You’re leaving me. Aren’t you?”
And then he told me. About how he’d wanted to leave town for a long time. About his dream of studying. Not any particular subject. Just get away, start a life somewhere else.
“We are young… I might come back… In a couple of years… You can visit. It’s not like we can’t see each other. It’s just that… He shrugged his shoulders.
I couldn’t look at him.

He made some lame attempts to comfort me.


“I have to go now.” was all I said. I took a jog home. My eyes hurt and the sight was blurry.
…
…
Six months later
I really hate dating. I’m not into that nonsense flirting at all. At the same time I feel lonely and after advise from my sister I actually put a profile page on one of the bigger gay communities. Most guys don’t even write much, they just load their album with tons of pictures of themselves in underwear. I find those men utterly uninteresting. But finally I found a man, DancingPete28, who didn’t seem to be completely dim and shallow. He wrote a little about his interest in French films, travelling and listed his favourite books.

We started to chat, and then set up a date. Then everything went pretty fast.

His real name is Peter and he works as a lawyer. He’s intelligent… funny…

… and great in bed.

…
I dated Peter for a while but it never clicked. It was fun but something was missing. At the gym I then met Jonas.

Jonas is such a sweet person. And I like his boyish appearance.

Jonas and I have stated to hang out regularly at the gym. It is nice having someone to train with. I always went to the gym with Hans. My family own the gym nowadays by the way. Mum and dad have been investing in a lot of commercial buildings and after obtaining the Riverview Gym they made a complete make-over. It’s a really pleasant place now.

Jonas is funny. A little childish, but very entertaining.

And gosh what a kisser.

…
I’m not seeing Jonas anymore. We didn’t match very well after I got to know him. One day he started playing with some old toys my dad was assorting in the living room.

I found that a real turn off.
…

Almost a year has passed since Hans left town. He’s called and sent me emails a couple of times but I never answer. It’s to painful. When I’m down my friend Andy comforts me.


Andy and I have become close friends recently. We are very alike since none of us likes clubbing or partying. He’s a good listener and we he’s the only one I feel like telling everything.

Unfortunately, I had to destroy that.


I couldn’t help it. I wanted attention… intimacy… tenderness. I knew deep down it was wrong because I have no feelings for Andy. And I was right in my suspicions he had feelings for me. That evening, I was honest and excused myself right after the kiss, and everything was fine.
Until the next day.

I had sore muscles and Andy offered a back massage. But when he was massaging me he leant forward and whispered.
“I want you. Why don’t we go to the bedroom.”

“Andy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’ve mislead you. But I don’t want you in that way.”
And that was the end of that friendship.